Special Assignments

Police officers come in a much wider variety than the public knows or than many officers will accept.

I am an introvert.  I am beyond uncomfortable in social settings with lots of people and I don't really drink (most of my regrettable moments have involved alcohol as well as many of my most fun, unfortunately).  Noise and busyness and chaos of crowds all drain me.

You would think that wouldn't be a good fit for a police officer.

But I am also kindhearted, decisive, problem-solving, sometimes gutsy, and, when I need to be, brave.  I mean, I have never acted in a cowardly manner as a patrol officer.  I took my share of calls and then some, I always ran towards the gunfire, and I pushed past some serious fear on several calls - mostly having to do with clearing houses and turning the next corner.

I was a good cop.  I looked out for my teammates and did everything I could think of to help out.

But I am not a "choir practice" cop.  Once the day is done, I would rather go home than meet up with my peers for drinks.  And honestly, there are some marriages that have broken up over that stuff.  I get it - we have to talk to people who can understand our days or that we don't want to talk about them or that if we do want to talk about them, irreverence is the way we deal with the garbage we see day in and day out.

And I am more than happy to sit quietly and talk, more importantly LISTEN, when someone wants to talk.

But, maybe because I am not as familiar as a drinking buddy, I find my peers don't really want to talk to me.  And I do know I have a standoffish way about me - but if you speak to me for a couple of minutes, you'll almost certainly find that is not quite me.  I am just self-protective and shy and, as time passes on, I feel less and less included.

My first special assignment was mostly an escape route from a bad bid.  I was assigned to Traffic and I did like several things about that job - accidents are easy, usually; accidents always look crazy awful and very rarely is anyone really significantly injured - I mean cars can be smashed up and nobody broke any bones or anything (seatbelts and airbags!); if there were no accidents at the moment, I could go on any call I wanted and none I didn't want (so I mostly went to robberies - no domestics, no noise complaints, no civil disputes).

However, one of the duties I was expected to fulfill at the time was accident reconstruction for those accidents that resulted in near-death or death injuries.  And I sucked at it.  And we also went from a paper accident report to an electronic report.  I never got paper accidents back, hardly ever, for corrections.  EVERY SINGLE electronic report, it seemed, came back.  For something stupid - like the driver and the registered owner had the same address but I forgot to check the "Same As Above" box.  So, nobody could just check the stupid box, they had to reject the report.  Maybe this is a rule of evidence issue, but my understanding is that the reports are solely for bean counters - statistics gatherers, insurance companies and CDOT, etc., not for criminal evidence purposes.  And so, for a person who was always an excellent student, unaccustomed to daily criticism and rejection, I had enough of that and went back to Patrol.

My second Special Assignment was Background Investigations.  I was blessed to get that one BECAUSE I tore my ACL at work and the other option was the Front Desk, which is AWFUL.  And Backgrounds was nice - good supervisors, access to training time, and I took a personal interest in protecting the department and my coworkers from inappropriate applicants.  I wanted us to have only the best.  And I really liked getting through a good background!  There were plenty that I did not support and several, thankfully so, based on what came up in the investigation.

Anyway, when I was healed up, I went back to Patrol.  Then I was asked to return to BIU again by the sergeant and I got to pick my days and hours, which was AWESOME!  But then I had to rotate out again, or maybe I missed the road.  I don't recall.

I went back to BIU a third time when I broke my foot in a car wreck.  So, all told, I probably spent about two years in BIU.

My third Special Assignment was the Burglary Investigations Unit.  This one, I loved.  Pattern crime investigation is ... the BOMB.  I so enjoyed it, and got to file one epic case, but it was a limited time assignment and I had to go back to Patrol.

My last Special Assignment as an officer was very special, helping to create our Special Victims' Unit and get it off the ground - helping elderly and disabled victims of crime.  The cases were interesting and heartbreaking and I loved it.  But I wanted to be a Detective, a "promotion", and I promoted out of that unit.  I miss it to this day.  Great, great coworkers and a small enough team to where I felt included, like I fit there.

Now, I am in a special detective assignment and I consider myself lucky, despite the very yucky cases I deal with.

But I applied to several other SA's as a Patrol officer - our fugitive apprehension team, our community resource team, our field training team, and our tactical team.  And I tried out for SWAT.  There was a time when I really wanted to be and thought I could be "a ninja."

But it didn't happen.  I have rationalized the crap out of the "No's."  I am not quite as qualified as or at least not any more qualified than somebody's buddy, whom they feel comfortable with and trust.  I am the unknown.  I get it.

I try not to think that being female had anything to do with it.  I really don't think it did.  I felt supported in that aspect and I had people helping me with some of the physical stuff for SWAT so that I could hopefully perform sufficient to pass the test.

But I didn't.

It is hard to let go of dreams.  It would have been an honor and a privilege to serve in any of those other roles.

But as a detective, those options are mostly unavailable to me.  And, I think more relevant, as a known outside, those options are even less available to me.

It makes me sad.  I've never betrayed trust.  I am not someone who is easily offended.  I laugh at a lot of things I probably shouldn't because I "get" a lot more than I think people think I do.

I guess I'm just not that kind of cop.  And I wish that was more acceptable.  I think agencies need people of all kinds to fill the crazy array of roles that we are expected to fulfill.

But I am in a place in my career now where I feel pretty lonely.  I don't quite understand why people don't choose me.  And I am a little hurt.  Not much, honestly, I'm not THAT sensitive.  But it is just hard.  Life gets lonelier as you age.

Anyway, I always tell new officers, if it comes up - put yourself out there and chase your goals as soon as you can with as much passion as you can muster.  Don't hold back.  You will end up reflecting on a career of anonymity.  Yes, you will still do lots of good stuff and it will still be rewarding, but you will be cutting yourself off from opportunities.  Don't overthink it, just go for it.

I don't feel I can go for it now.  The damage is done.  And, like I said, I am lucky to be where I am.  I need to focus on gratitude.

I was just at in service today with a bunch of acquaintances, nobody really connected to me, so I am feeling the pain tonight.

It's a good career.  I wouldn't do another just because of this stuff, but it is a recurring pain I have to push through.